Of course, who cares? I watch these movies because I've played all of these games from end to end religiously for a couple of decades. All they need to do is show me characters and monsters from the game and toss in an Umbrella logo every once in a while and I'm happy.

Sometimes, I'm easy to please.

Ask me again in five years, of course.

Koji Yakusho in 13 ASSASSINS, a Magnet Release. Photo courtesy of Magnet Releasing.

You know what? 13 Assassins is probably the most straightforward film I've seen from Takashi Miike. I haven't seen everything he's done, so there might be something out there I'm missing that feels 100% like a normal human movie; but based on my limited sample I think this is the one. This is especially true since I know the genre he's working in so well. It's still a ridiculously violent, over-the-top exercise in watered steel and bloodshed. It's just that's common for the genre. He's not really pushing any boundaries here in terms of violence.

And you know what? That's fine.

This is a strong jidaigeki (samurai drama), taking hints and inspiration from many of the genre's classics and building on it with some humor and creativity.

It's also a remake, which certainly helps ground solidly in the genre.

Telling the story of (you guessed it) 13 samurai tasked with a secret assassination of a corrupt, sadistic lord, the film is basically broken into three pieces- there's a recruitment effort where we meet all the members of the crew; there's a set-up section where our heroes display creativity and ingenuity in setting up their plot; and finally we see the execution of the plan.

Yeah, it's basically a caper film.

All of this stuff is really well put together. For starters, even with their limited screen time, a good chunk of the 13 assassins actually shine through as individuals. This is always a concern with a sprawling cast like this, but Miike does a really nice job with it here. They might be cartoons, but they're individual cartoons. That makes a difference. The set-up section in the middle is thankfully brief and watchable.

And then there's the finale. This whole film is really just an excuse for what seemed like an hour of mayhem at the end. It's a bloody, wandering mess of a thing. Full of clever traps, bloody swordfights and more rock throwing than I've ever seen in a samurai film, the finale of this film is ample payoff for the setup.

Definitely worth your time if you're a fan of the genre or have a curiosity about Miike's work.

NO ONE IS PREPARED FOR HOUSE.

Seriously. This movie is a real treat. Watch the trailer and you might think you've got it figured out. You don't. It's bother weirder than you think it will be and, honestly, better. With films as bizarre as this one, it's almost okay if the only thing they offer is batshit insanity. House goes a bit beyond the insanity, to the point where I was watching for something other than the next bizarro effect. I mean, it's not Memento, but there's enough of a story to string the weirdness along nicely.

Look at the trailer and then grab the Criterion disc.

It wasn't, really.

My problem with the book is that it was way too slow to get started. The payoff was fun, but it was only 1/7th of the book. The rest wasn't exactly thrilling. I hoped that the movie would compact the 6/7 boring bits and heighten the impact of he 1/7th of the cool bits. It didn't really. It was similarly paced and structured as the book- plodding for the first couple of hours, then really great for the finale. The problem with that happening here is that the finale was about 15 minutes. So it's basically 2 hours of whatever for a truncated courtroom section where all the fun happens.

*meh*