The Onion- Ashcroft Rejected By Newly Created Bride Of Ashcroft
"Attorney General John Ashcroft's quest for a companion to ease the pain of his lonely and tormented existence was dealt a severe blow Monday, when he was rejected by the newly created "Bride Of Ashcroft.""
The funny thing about that is I've been formulating a theory comparing Ashcroft's lonely and tortured, uber-tightass existence with Chris Cooper's character in American Beauty. Does anyone else see the similarities? It all started when he had them drape the statues so he wouldn't have to see stony penises. I figured anyone with a hang-up that strong about a couple of marble phalluses has got some deeply-buried issues.